23 / 12 / 16

Trapped in a Never-Ending Mental Prison

These days seem to stretch on endlessly, blending into one another, as if time itself has become a burden. My once agile body has grown sluggish, weighed down by the weariness of each passing day. The aches and pains have become constant companions, a reminder of the passage of time. I find myself lost in my thoughts, but it's not the peaceful meditation one might hope for.

Instead, it feels like I am trapped within a self-imposed prison of my own mind, torturing myself with relentless worries about the future, dwelling on the mistakes of the past, and burdening myself with unnecessary stress about the present. It's a maddening cycle, one that I struggle to break free from. I often ponder on things beyond my control, neglecting the importance of embracing the present and taking meaningful action in the moment.

Because, before we realize it, life slips away, days blur together, and we find ourselves standing on the edge of adulthood, still residing under our parents' roof. Then, when tragedy strikes and we're left to care for my sister's orphaned children, questions arise. Am I capable of fulfilling this tremendous responsibility? Will I be able to support these young souls alone if my parents pass on before they come of age? Will I forever be alone in this journey?

These thoughts constantly race through my mind, creating a whirlwind of uncertainty and doubt. It feels as if I have yet to find my place in this world, my purpose. There is an ache deep within my heart, yearning for the moments I never got to share with my sister, the dreams left unfulfilled. I wanted to witness her joy on her wedding day and see my father walk her down the isle, but now it all seems like a distant dream.

In the depths of my despair, I find myself turning to prayer, seeking solace in a higher power, even though doubts linger in my mind. Is there truly a benevolent force that listens to my pleas and cares for our well-being? I pray out of desperation, holding onto a glimmer of hope that there is indeed a guiding light that can rescue us from this abyss of sorrow.

Yet, in those darker moments, I am convinced that we are already living in a personal hell, serving a penance for past sins. The days blend together, each one an unrelenting battle for peace. My mind refuses to grant me respite, locking me in a relentless cycle of thoughts and emotions that seem to have no end.